Black Sabbath’s ‘Changes’ is playing in the background as I sit down to write about what is bringing me undone. I feel that ‘I am going through changes’ is the by-line for my life.
A red flag for this coming undone-ness should have been clear to me on seeing that I have been so busy, busy experiencing some amazing therapies, busy writing and working to develop this love of mine, busy trying new things such as yoga and painting (both very enjoyable), busy looking for a job, busy trying to clean out my eating practice (not so easy in an environment full of bad habits), busy working through my relationship, trying to find our way to the same page, busy reading spiritual development books, and busy with everyday life.
I suspect this busy-ness is a mask for avoidance, avoidance of what though? Taking full responsibility? Maybe, I am not sure at this stage. A part of me wants to curl up in the foetal position and declare that ‘I am done’ but those days are over for me. I have made a commitment to push on and push on I will. I have lived enough to know that what I am feeling is growing pains.
Obviously I am trying to do too much at once, a sure sign of a strong drive I feel within. What is this drive that I feel? It must have some purpose, other than leading me down all the wrong paths. There must be one path that will show the way home, to a semi peaceful existence.
I had to take a break to release some of the emotional build up I was feeling. I feel an emotional breaking away from my kids and I am really struggling with it.
I carried each of them inside me and nurtured them into this world. I made promises of love and protection which I have done everything in my power to uphold. I didn’t expect life with kids to be so multidimensional. It turns out kids need so much more than love and protection, they need boundaries and guidance, they need support, comfort, and they need the freedom to learn. They need to know that they matter, that they have what it takes to manoeuvre their way through a fruitful and rewarding life.
It was quite a job to keep them safe when they were young. Their safety was my first priority, above all else, Everywhere I turned there were so many dangers I could see. I could see in my minds eye what could happen, truly terrifying at times and I did my best to anticipate what could go wrong and stay a step ahead of any real disasters. My intent was to keep them safe because they were the most precious beings in my world but did I instil a corrupted view of life? Did I teach them not to trust? Did I teach them to be cautious? Did I teach them to be fearful?
When they were young it was easy to show them that I loved them, I would shower them in hugs and kisses and tell them just how much they meant to me. When they were sick I would sit up with them through the night, curled up on the couch, watching their favourite movies, making sure they were alright and had everything they needed. We would take them on trips to the park, giving them piggy back rides and kick the ball with them. We would go to the beach, swimming and throwing a Frisbee. We bought them things that would delight their little faces and have them screeching around the house for hours.
Now our eldest is 20 and the two youngest are 17years old. It is not so easy to show them you love them at this age and I know they still need to know because there have been a few accidents and my reaction to treating their wounds and worrying about whether they were okay brought about a reassurance to each of them that I recognised.
Of course I still love them, they have no idea just how much. As a mother, I have nearly destroyed myself trying to make sure they had everything they need while still doing things for myself. I have always struggled with this balance. The time has come to adjust my role in their lives so that they still know I will always be here for them but where I take that step back so they can work out what they want and need in their life to be happy. I can no longer be this source for them. I probably should never have been and should have started this transition sooner than I have but I was none the wiser.
I remember going through the same shift in my relationship with my eldest son. There comes a time where this struggle erupts in the relationship. My eldest was looking for more freedom and I was doing all you could to let go but finding it hard at the same time. I never imagined it would be so hard to let go. I had identified my whole sense of self as a mother. Time to find my true sense of self. My idea to get a job is partly to help me shift my focus from my kids to myself, making this transition a little easier this time around.
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