A few things have happened which all came to a head recently through a hearty discussion with my daughter. I have three children, my eldest son is 20 and my younger son and daughter are 17.
Before children I was a bit of a wild child. Adventurous, try anything once kind of attitude. I was completely in over my head. I completely lived in the moment and the thought of where I would end up at times makes me shudder. Before I would know what was happening, I would find myself in situations and surrounded by people I knew could eat me alive if they wanted to. On reflection I see that life was showing me what was out there, warts and all while protecting/shielding me from it at the same time, well that is how it feels to me.
Having children changed me in a way that I could not possibly explain with words. When my children were placed in my arms for the first time, I just knew that life would never be the same. My husband worked away for the first 12 years of my eldest son’s life. He would arrive late Friday night/Saturday morning and then leave again at lunch time on Sunday.
I gave up any idea I might have had about going back to work. Just adapting to parenting one child was a challenge for me and then we had twins. Oh my. Being pregnant with twins made parenting fun, my body was under enormous pressure and it was business as usual. When my kids were little they ran a muck. My eldest was a real handful until about Year 4 where thankfully he started to settle.
I did not surround myself with a support system to get me through this, I worked it out as I went along. My mum remembers me ringing her many a time whenever my kids would get sick for advice and reassurance. To say I was intensely protective of my children is probably an understatement. I clung so tightly to the idea that I had to be perfect for them. Where did this idea come from? I can't say with certainty but my guess is that it came from what we are taught from society. Women find themselves judged no matter what direction they take. If they stay home, they are seen to be doing nothing, if they go to work they are seen to be selfish.
I guess you could say at this stage, I was well and truly buying into everything, everyone and everything around me told me I should be. What I wasn’t doing, was listening to myself and/or paying attention to what life was showing me. Sending my eldest son away to boarding school jolted me awake a little. A few other events shook me up a little more before I was seeing life in a whole new light. At this point my eldest son was 17 and the twins were 14.
I can see the difference between my eldest son who sees life very matter of factly and the twins who question everything, who create their own flow. I put this difference down to the fact that I woke up while my eldest son was away at school and so he missed this new side of my being and parenting. He often remarks how the twins get away with so much more than he did. I have tried to explain to him why this might be but as far as he is concerned, I treated him differently and I did.
What has been happening of late is that I have come to understand that there is more of myself that I need to let go so that my relationship with my children can transition into something that works for us all. There was a time where I needed to hold tight to the reigns, but that time has come to a close. It is important if I want to continue to have a healthy relationship with my kids that I let go of the reigns and let them work life out for themselves.
It was at this point that the hearty discussion came up with my daughter. It is like I put it out there that I have to let go and just at that time, in her words, she decides to see how true this new statement is. It is like she has teamed up with life to make sure I am keeping it real.
My daughter is incredibly creative and she has some wild ideas going on inside her head which she expresses in fantasy fiction. We are two peas in a pod and challenge each other at every turn. During this discussion, we were talking about good vs evil and I am sure she likes to get a rise out of me. All my kids are very accepting of my spiritual nature but they have their own ideas about how life works.
I am always preaching about unconditional love and so she felt the need to see how far I would go with this. She wanted to know at what point I would turn away from my children?
So for the first time, I told my daughter that there was actually a line for me. As much as I respect that my children have to do what feels right for them, I guess it is important that they understand that I too need and will do what feels right for me.
I will never allow anyone to mistreat me or disrespect me and I just wouldn’t be able to stand around and watch this treatment happen to anyone else. We are worth so much more than that. I know enough about my children to know that they are incredibly good people and when it comes down to it, no matter what my daughter says to get a rise out of me, her and my sons will always do what feels right in their hearts.
Letting go is going to be incredibly hard and will take a lot of discipline on my part, but I know that it is important. I hope they stop buying into the broken systems surrounding us and plug into their truth a lot sooner than I did, but this will never happen if I keep shielding them the way that I do. I hold on to the understanding that life will shield and protect them as it did me in my youth.
Inner Health with Neuro-Training
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