Before I write another word I would like to acknowledge that each Blog seems fairly straight forward and may imply this road to self discovery seems blessed and flows easily. For some it may well do, but my own experience with self discovery has at times been downright challenging and raw. Self discovery is not for the faint hearted but it is the only way forward to living life as it was intended to live.
Self acceptance is not easy for some, especially when one has bought into what others idea of them has been. While I have moved away from what others think, there must still be some residual matters left to deal with. How do I know this? Well something pulls at me when particular situations arise or when I am in certain company. It could be anything from feeling uncomfortable to downright panic.
In the past, if I couldn't manage everything the way I thought was the right way to manage, then I would become overwhelmed. I didn't understand it at the time but I was putting unnecessary pressure on myself. I can see now that I was trying to do things how I thought others might do them. I was not paying enough attention to what felt right for me.
Bit by bit, I am shedding this idea that there is a right and wrong way to do things, that there is a right and wrong way to be. In my life, I have felt different for as long as I can remember. I never really fit the box of how one should be, so to speak. I mistakenly thought this meant there was something wrong with me and I didn't have anyone in my life to let me know that this just wasn't true, that I just hadn't met my tribe or purpose yet. So life has stepping in to lead the way.
Because I thought there was something wrong with me, I tried to fit into what others thought I should be. I tried to be what my parents, school, society and later work thought I should be. The thing about this is that it never really worked out anyway. I spent so much of my time trying to please others and do what I could to not rock the boat that I had nothing left for myself. I never managed to please others anyway so I'm not really sure why I tried for as long as I did.
I used to have this romantic notion of what I wanted to be without having any real understanding of what that would take or what that would mean. Once upon a time I wanted to take care of everybody but now I understand that to do this properly means to sacrifice self. It turns out that I am not ready for that. One of my children is an adult and two of them will be before I know it and I have dedicated a big portion of myself and my life to them. I feel like I am at the point where it is my time to finish working out what it is I want for myself. How I want all areas of my life to look. I have taken on so much responsibility that I have lost the part of myself who used to know how to have fun.
Aside from actually seeing myself worthy of more than just taking care of others, I see that everybody deserves the same freedom to take care of themselves and be what they need to be in this life. I mean no one can truly know what we need more than we do ourselves. I understand the most we can do for others is to support them however they need us to.
These days I see myself as a healer and I refuse to worry about what that should look like from the outside. I understand what it is to want more for yourself. I understand what it is to recuperate from trauma, depression, anxiety and life in general. I understand what it feels like to transition from the past to the present. I understand what it feels like to peal back all the layers that are not who you are to reveal more and more of your true self. I understand what has helped me throughout this process but I also understand that this doesn't mean it will be the same for everyone.
During my own transition, I am letting go of what I think I need to be and just being as often as possible. I have felt myself slip back into negative thought patterns and it is surprising how quickly you can go down hill, if you humour such thinking. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish something which is coming to the surface to be healed and the ego going on a rampage. I have come to realise that thinking my way out of anything is not the way out. It is at these times I need to reset and pick myself up whenever I notice the thoughts coming in. Just stop thinking. I will treat myself to moments of time alone and be kind to myself, there are enough haters out there without getting in on the action.
Detach from identifying with whatever struggles you are facing. It is just something else to work on, nothing more, nothing less. Ask yourself, what is in this struggle, that is meant for me? Spend your energy appreciating what is good about you.
Inner Health with Neuro-Training
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I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!