My name is Alex Lloyd, and I’m Karina’s daughter. I’m a writer and I usually like keeping to myself, but lately I’ve been getting out more and trying to do more stuff, which is pretty good for someone with anxiety. Though, I’m pretty sure my anxiety has everything to do with how aware I am of my surroundings, which is kind of annoying at times. But it also has its perks.
I don’t really know when it started, but I’ve been noticing little things that no one else notices for quite a while now. Like, if we’re driving into town I might look out the window and try and find the biggest thing I could find that – logically – no one else in the world knew existed at that time. Like yesterday, when I played this little ‘game’, I narrowed my search down to a bark chip that had spilled over the edge of the round-about. It wasn’t that big, but realistically, no one else knew it existed. I was the only one. I do things like this all the time, and I always think it’s normal until I ask someone else and they say ‘What are you on about?’ like I’m crazy. It’s kind of annoying that none of my friends know what I’m talking about all the time, but I can talk to Mum about it sometimes, which is great. Even that, though, can’t be enough. There are so many strange things in the Universe that no one knows about, which makes me want to discover them even more. I’ve thought about becoming a Scientist; particularly a Physicist, Astronomer or Psychologist. Mainly a Psychologist, so I can look into the brain and find out why we experience specific reactions to specific actions. It’s way better than not knowing, that’s for sure.
Another thing is the OCD. It’s not that bad, but kind of ticks me off sometimes. The only thing that drives me nuts is that I have to say certain phrases three times. Only when someone isn’t listening, really. For example, if I call out ‘Thanks dad’ and get no answer, I will repeat it again. If I get a reply, I’ll be pushed to say it that one last time, just to make it three. Even if I have to mutter it under my breath. Okay, but it’s not quite like the dead.
To elaborate; whenever we’re driving or walking or something, and we pass something dead (like an animal carcass or a cemetery) I get this massive shiver up my spine that makes my head kind of jerk sideways. It doesn’t even need to be when I know there’s a dead body somewhere; sometimes, I’ll just get this shiver and look out the window and find an animal body we drive past. Sometimes, I get these shivers when I can’t even see a body, and I try not to dwell on those moments. Live now, as I like to say. Yesterday’s gone, and tomorrow’s not here yet. If you can’t live anywhere else, what’s the point in trying?
That’s another thing. Time. I don’t know if anyone else is as aware of this to the extent that I am, because I haven’t met anyone yet who can express an exact mirror of my own thoughts. I’m pretty sure my awareness of time started in Christmas holidays of December in 2015. We were moving to a new town, to a new school, and even though I had 8 weeks to prepare for it and relax, all I could think about was how soon we were going to have to restart. Ever since then, I’ve always freaked out about events and such that happen a long time away from the current date, because I know how quickly time moves on and how irrelevant we all are on this planet. At the rate we’re going, it’s going to die soon and us along with it, so why do we worry about taxes and jobs and making sure we pass our exams? All that stuff was created by people, so how important can it be if it’s all going to be replaced in a couple centuries? Time goes by in this Universe in the blink of an eye, so it can’t be that real. We’ve just come to take over this planet, and while we destroy it, we’re taking away everything ‘free and ‘honest’ about it. If it wasn’t here from the very start, I think it should never have been created. This isn’t our planet, so why are we treating it like it is?
I think, if I’m going to be honest here, that the older generations underestimate the younger generation, particularly teenagers. We’re not all about parties and boyfriends; I don’t think you need experience or age to be aware. I just think you need to be tuned in to what the Universe is telling you, which doesn’t take years of practice for everyone. However, I also think that teenagers underestimate adults. Sure, you don’t need age to be aware, but the experience of a situation does something to the soul that the younger generation can’t ever know. It becomes a part of you, it makes you who you are, which also expands your awareness. This is why adults tell us there are things we should and shouldn’t do; they’ve learned from experience what works and what doesn’t, and we don’t quite listen to them because we’re stubborn. We want to make these mistakes for ourselves, which I think is actually good. We NEED to make mistakes – how else are we going to learn? How else are we going to know? This doesn’t mean we can’t be helped; it just means we need to experience some things for ourselves, and that is the most important thing.
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!